Cape May or New York?

Cape May comes out ahead because the beach is the whole point of the town. A continuous strip of lifeguarded sand runs in front of the promenade with gentle surf. Cape May Point has calmer sand, and on the bay side you can hunt for Cape May diamonds at Sunset Beach. Most visitors simply walk down to the water.

New York's beaches are real, but getting to them is a journey: the subway to Coney Island and Brighton Beach, or out to the Rockaways where the surfers go, with Jones Beach an hour beyond. The crowds are heavier and the water slightly cooler, so they make a good day off from the city rather than a beach week.

Cape May eats well within a narrow range. As a working fishing port it puts scallops, flounder and local oysters on almost every menu, and long breakfasts on a Victorian porch are one of the pleasures of a stay. Beyond the seafood, though, it is mostly fudge, taffy and ice cream, and many kitchens cut back in winter.

New York is in another league. Whole neighbourhoods cook their own cuisines, from the Chinese kitchens of Flushing to Jackson Heights and Arthur Avenue in the Bronx. World-class tasting menus sit at the top, and slices, bagels and deli pastrami are cheap at street level. A food lover could eat for weeks without repeating a meal.

In Cape May the town is the sight: a whole National Historic Landmark district of gingerbread cottages and hotels with long porches. Add the Emlen Physick Estate and a climb up the lighthouse at the Point, and a day or two covers it.

New York works on a completely different scale. The Met, MoMA, the Natural History museum and the Cloisters each deserve a day, and the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island and the Brooklyn Bridge supply the landmarks. Its nineteenth-century streets are brownstone and cast iron rather than seaside Victorian, and a museum lover will run out of Cape May long before New York.

A night out in Cape May means a pub or hotel bar near the pedestrian mall, maybe a cover band, and bed by midnight. Anyone wanting more drives up to the Wildwoods.

New York is the opposite extreme. It has cocktail and dive bars in the East Village, rooftop bars above Midtown, gay bars in the Village with roots going back to Stonewall, and warehouse clubs in Bushwick that go on past dawn. For going out, there is no contest.

The outdoors in both is flat and gentle, and both are known for migrating birds, but the settings are quite different. Cape May is wild coast: dunes and marshes, hawks and monarch butterflies passing through Cape May Point State Park and Higbee Beach in autumn, dolphin boats in summer and kayaking in the back bays.

New York's nature is mostly designed parkland, such as Central Park, Prospect Park and the High Line, with Jamaica Bay for birders. Its advantage is reach: a train up the Hudson takes you to steep hiking at Breakneck Ridge, which the flat cape cannot offer.

From Cape May the best outing is the ferry across Delaware Bay, about an hour and a half each way, to the colonial streets of Lewes. Closer to home there are the Wildwoods boardwalk and its mid-century motels, Atlantic City about an hour up the coast, and small wineries inland. Philadelphia is under two hours by car but makes a tiring day, and almost everything beyond the ferry needs a car.

New York has more choice and better connections. Philadelphia's Independence Hall is about an hour and a half by train, Princeton's Gothic campus is on the same line, and New Haven and Yale are about two hours up the Connecticut shore. Most of these trips work by train, as does the Dia Beacon museum on the Hudson. Some Hudson Valley sights, such as the Storm King sculpture park, Kykuit and the Hyde Park estates, are easier with a car, and the North Fork and the Hamptons make a long day either way.

Children do well in both, but in very different ways. Cape May offers lifeguarded beaches, safe and slow streets, surrey bikes on the promenade, crabbing on the bay and a free county zoo nearby. For rides you have to drive to the Wildwoods, and some B&Bs in the historic district do not take small children.

New York swaps that ease for big-name attractions: the dinosaur halls at the Natural History museum, the Bronx Zoo, the aircraft carrier on the Hudson and the free Staten Island Ferry. The downside is subway stations with only stairs, which are hard with a pushchair, along with small hotel rooms and tiring crowds in Midtown.

Cape May is easy only within its own few streets. The historic district, the promenade and the Washington Street Mall are a short flat walk or bike ride apart. With no passenger rail and few buses, though, you will want a car to get there and to reach the Point, the zoo or the Wildwoods.

In New York you never need one. The subway runs around the clock, Manhattan's grid is easy to walk, and ferries and Citi Bike fill the gaps. Its annoyances, such as weekend rerouting and awkward airport links, are small next to how far it takes you.

Shopping in Cape May means three pedestrian blocks of boutiques, bookshops, fudge and souvenirs, plus a few antique dealers and galleries, which is enough for a rainy hour. New York is one of the world's great shopping cities, with flagships on Fifth Avenue, luxury houses on Madison Avenue, the classic department stores, fashion brands in SoHo, and vintage and record shops in Williamsburg. If you are travelling to shop, go to New York.

Neither is cheap, but Cape May is easier on the wallet, especially outside summer. In peak season, B&Bs with minimum stays, beach tags and parking add up quickly. Spring, autumn and winter bring rates down, though, and staying next door in the Wildwoods cuts costs further.

New York is expensive all year: small Manhattan rooms, tax and tips on every meal, and high entry fees at the big sights. You save money with the free parks, the High Line and the Staten Island Ferry, with pizza slices and Queens restaurants, and by sleeping in Brooklyn or New Jersey.

Cape May gives you a good night at the theatre, with one small professional company in a converted church and another devoted to historic American drama. A long-running chamber music festival fills its churches in late spring, and there are summer concerts in Convention Hall. New York is the top of the field: Broadway, the Metropolitan Opera and the New York Philharmonic at Lincoln Center, Carnegie Hall, jazz in Village basements and gospel in Harlem. In Cape May a show makes a pleasant evening, while in New York it can be the reason for the whole trip.

Cape May's version of rest is slow and simple: rocking chairs on the porch, afternoon tea and sunsets over the bay. It has a few day spas but no baths, and summer weekends there are busy, so it is calmest in spring and autumn.

Neither is a spa destination, but New York has the edge on proper bathing. It has the East Village's Russian and Turkish baths, open since the late 1800s, the banyas of Brighton Beach and Korean jjimjilbang spas a short trip away in Queens. Quiet is harder to find on its streets, so the big parks and the Cloisters gardens are where people go for calm.