Cape May or Wilmington?

The beaches are about equally good, but they work differently. In Cape May the sand runs right along the edge of town, so you can walk to the lifeguarded stretches from your guesthouse. Cape May Point is quieter, and Sunset Beach on the bay has its quartz "diamonds".

Wilmington gives you three beach towns to choose from, each with its own character: polished Wrightsville, casual Carolina Beach with its boardwalk, and calmer Kure Beach. The water there is several degrees warmer and stays swimmable for longer. In return, every beach day means a drive and a hunt for parking, and rip currents can be a real hazard.

Wilmington eats better overall. You get the same coastal shrimp, flounder and oysters, plus eastern North Carolina's vinegar-sauced whole-hog barbecue, modern Southern cooking in old brick buildings downtown, and a strong craft brewery scene in the north end.

Cape May's strength is narrower. As a working fishing port, it serves very fresh scallops and flounder, and breakfast on a Victorian porch is a pleasure. Beyond the seafood, though, the choice soon runs to fudge and ice cream, and in winter many kitchens close.

Both have a modest list of sights built around historic streets, but the history is different. In Cape May the whole town is the attraction, a landmark district of gingerbread cottages and porch-fronted hotels. The Physick Estate and the lighthouse climb take you a day or two.

Wilmington's story is deeper and less comfortable. Its antebellum houses, such as the Bellamy Mansion, tell of the old port's wealth and its enslaved labour. Across the river, the Battleship North Carolina and two museums are enough for an extra day.

Wilmington has far more going on after dark. On weekends, students fill Front Street's bars and rooftop terraces, the beach towns add bars in summer, and places stay open until 2am.

Cape May's evenings are porch-and-pub affairs, with a cover band in a hotel bar and most of the town asleep by midnight. Anyone wanting a louder night drives up to the Wildwoods.

The outdoors are equally rewarding, and both are flat, low country, but each has its own draw. Cape May is one of North America's great bird-migration points, with hawks and monarch butterflies in autumn, plus dolphins in summer and whales in the cooler months.

Wilmington is more of a place to get on the water. You can paddle out to undeveloped Masonboro Island, surf or sail off Wrightsville, and fish from the piers. Carolina Beach State Park has Venus flytraps growing wild, which you will not see anywhere outside this corner of the Carolinas.

There is about the same amount to do beyond town, and both lists are made up of gentle small-town days. Cape May's best outing is the ferry across Delaware Bay to colonial Lewes. Philadelphia's museums are within reach for a long, tiring day.

From Wilmington, the classic outing goes south to Southport and on by ferry to car-free Bald Head Island, stopping at the Fort Fisher earthworks on the way. New Bern's governor's palace is a longer drive.

Cape May is easier with small children because everything is close. The lifeguarded beach, bike and surrey rides, the lighthouse, crabbing on the bay and the free county zoo are all part of a slow, safe routine, though some historic-district B&Bs do not take young children.

Wilmington has strong rainy-day options: the aquarium at Fort Fisher, the battleship's decks and the Children's Museum. Carolina Beach has the old-fashioned rides that Cape May leaves to the Wildwoods. Against that, summer heat and the daily car journeys wear on little ones.

Cape May is much easier once you have arrived. The historic district, the promenade and the Washington Street Mall are a short flat walk apart, and a bicycle covers the rest. You will still need a car to get there and for outings.

In Wilmington, only downtown and the riverwalk are walkable. The beaches are 15km or more away along suburban roads and the buses are of little use, so a car is part of every day.

Neither is a shopping destination, and both mean browsing independent shops. Cape May's is a single three-block pedestrian mall of boutiques, bookshops, fudge and souvenirs. Wilmington spreads its galleries and antique dealers along Front Street and the Cotton Exchange, adds surf wear in the beach towns, and has suburban centres for everyday needs.

Wilmington costs noticeably less. Off-season rooms are reasonable, seafood and barbecue are fair value, and the main extra cost is the hire car.

Cape May is costly in summer. Its B&Bs and oceanfront hotels charge premium rates, often with minimum-stay rules, and you also pay for beach tags and parking. Spring and autumn are kinder, and many budget-minded visitors stay in the Wildwoods and come in for the day.

Wilmington offers more nights out. Thalian Hall, a restored 19th-century opera house, stages theatre and touring shows, and there is a community symphony. In the warmer months, bands play outdoor stages by Greenfield Lake, and long-running jazz and blues festivals fill the calendar.

Cape May's programme is smaller but well matched to the town. Plays are staged in a converted church, historic American drama is performed in Victorian settings, and a chamber music festival runs in late spring and early summer. Out of season, little remains.

Both are restful because of their pace rather than any spa culture, and neither has thermal baths. Cape May's calm is Victorian: rocking chairs, afternoon tea in guesthouse parlours and sunsets over the bay, best in spring and autumn.

Wilmington offers resort spas near the beaches and yoga studios downtown, with quiet evenings on the riverfront once the summer weekends are over.